The Parade!

The Parade of phone calls, kisses,birthday wishes and gifts, started on Friday evening and continued until Sunday night.

Every single gift and wish was so appreciated, but as the parade of gifts kept coming I found myself thinking, "What did I do to deserve such a life, such family, such love."

I think about my career as a mom, and I think of all the arguments, and the short fuses, the bad temper, the scoldings. I think about how many times I have looked at one of my eight children and chastised them only to get a true look of humility, and remorse, and a certain sadness at having dissapointed me.

My family is truly great! Love is what has been parading through my home and life in the last three days. I feel like a very undeserving recipient of all the glory that these children have written when signing the birthday cards, I can't help but feel I have let them down somehow, when I read all of their little musings about my skills as a mother.

It is really overwhelming to think with all of my mistakes and all of the trouble that my kids have to put up with  because of how long it takes to really learn how to parent,(and I am still learning) they still dig down deep, and come up with something nice to say.

A true testimony of how great they each individually really are. Kind hearted loving little, big, growing, changing, human beings. How fabulous, I will cherish the fact that a birthday of mine brings out the greatness and creativity of my flock, my family.

I wake up every morning praying to be a better mom than I was yesterday. I hope in some way here and there it makes a difference, because in-spite of, not because of, my mothering skills I have eight children I am very proud of, and who I know will be able to achieve all that I have not been able to thus far.

Why I'm Me! Right?

Who do we all want to be?

When I was a little girl, whenever I was having a hard time, you know those times as a kid when you were being punished and hated your parents, I would fantasize. I would daydream about the kind of person that I wanted to be.

I wouldn't think about my life though, or how I would live it. Funny enough I would daydream about what other people would think of me. What would people say about me. I would fantasize that people would say, what a good mom! What a humanitarian! What a kind, loving, wonderful, caring, sweet, graceful... well you get the picture.

When I was a little girl I guess I was messed up or something, to view my future, and choose my future according to what other people would think. Funny enough in a way I still, make choices and base decisions, on what I think, other people will think.

I sometimes fantasize about what my children think about me, I think about what my friends think about me, and it is truly silly. We have all done that thing where we are faced with a decision and you think about what someone in your life would do if faced with the same choice; and then you choose the exact opposite. You think to yourself, I don't want to be like my Mom, or my Dad, or I remember old Aunt Bertha and I don't want to be like her. So you base your decisions on who you don't want to be rather than who it is you do want to be.

I have been thinking a lot about that in the last year or so. Seriously I want to be me. I don't always know who that is because I spend so much time focusing on who I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a loud, manipulative, guilt pushing mom. I don't want to be a nagging, tired, plaintive, hard-done-by wife. I don't want to be a loud, flippant employee. I know who I want to be and feel like I am nothing like that, so I think the next best thing is to just focus on not being all of the undesirable things.

I am missing though, there is so much missing. People don't get to know me. People don't ever get to make their own judgments about who I really am, because I don't present it. I give them what I think is the least disagreeable rather than just giving them me, and trusting, that maybe I am who I want to be, when I am not working so hard, to not be, those things which I detest.

 I have just come to realize that when I am sitting on the couch, pooped in the evening, and belching because I just wolfed down a huge bowl of cereal as a bedtime snack, scratching my butt every once in a while, it doesn't negate the wonderful things that really make me who I am.

When I kiss my kiddies at night, and think of the ones who are not with me everyday, and get teary eyed, that does not negate the strength I have, and I hope, I have taught to my children.

When I get angry at the world because I can't figure out how to get my printer to work, I am not evil, I am frustrated, and that doesn't negate the fact that I am concerned with the world. Or that I do help make it a better place. I try very hard to make a difference.

I am going to let the little things slide, I will just be who I am. I think the rest will come. I don't need to fantasize about what people think of me, or what they say about me.

I just need to be.

Ahhh Friend or Foe?

So my old friend, or my old enemy is back once again. Nope not my period, not a headache, not a person. It is procrastination. The very reason I started this blog. I just realized how long it has been since I posted a blog, crazy.

Its not that I have not been writing because I do that pretty much every day. I have my little note book that I write things down in as I go about my day. The purpose of the little note book is to take a half hour at the end of my day to sit down go through the notes and blog.

Unfortunately when your life gets crazy you don't even prioritize and choose what you want to do, at least I don't. When my life gets crazy, I just tend to what ever is making the most noise. The kids, the hubby, the bills, of course personal grooming gets a bit of time too, although that is really getting pushed to the chopping block too. Sometimes it is bedtime before I remember I haven't brushed my teeth yet. I remember plenty of times to do  it throughout the day, it just so happens that I remember when I am out and about to talk to someone up close, rather than when I am in the house near my toothbrush.

I actually try to get into the bathroom to freshen up in the morning before I eat, I splash some water on my face and run a brush through my hair, wash the important bits up, and I hold off on the tooth brushing until I am finished eating. Then I get sidetracked by some job and forget to eat. You can see where I am going with this.

There are times when I don't have time for a shower, when a quick washing up will just have to do. There is always something else to do. I love having a shower in the evening because everyone is asleep and I don't hear babies crying on the other side of the door. The only problem with that is that I often can't blow dry my hair for fear of waking someone so I wake up with a muffin head. Then I have to try to find time in my day before I go out in public to re wet it and dry it straighten and style it.

Of course then there is the task of shaving, OK so I delve into a delicate subject, not for mixed company now. I DON'T CARE. Men hear this. Shaving ones legs and armpits is no where near as quick a task as shaving that tiny little bit of face. So to combat the amount of time it takes to shave my legs I have taken to measuring from the hem line of all my skirts, Capri's and shorts to my ankle, and when I choose my outfit for the day, I go into my shower with a tape measure, and that area from hem to ankle is what gets shaved.

I know for a fact I am not the only person who does this, in mom and tot classes everywhere if you were to slightly lift a hem, you would see the untamed forest of an unshaven mom. I am sure many women everywhere are saying, "so go get waxed". The problem with that is when life is laid back and easy, it is great to go get waxed, but when life is crazy, I already take three hours out of every two weeks to go get my eyebrows waxed and a manicure and pedicure. If I only have three hours every two weeks, I would much rather have a woman massaging my legs and taking care of my feet than a woman ripping hair out of an area of my body large enough to make 4 children a pair of pants each.

Wah Wah Wah! I know I am whining, I can't stand it when other people do it, but lets face it, it is funny. If I can make you laugh so be it, I will become the whining mommy.

I always hear people making fun of female comedy, "all they talk about is periods, not wanting sex, their husbands and their weight" but, that is half the population guys, women. We need a laugh too, we don't find things like the hillbilly up the street funny, we don't find farting funny, we don't think its hilarious when you do naked willy dances. We do though find comfort in each other, in trials, in successes. We find it hilarious when what we feared would make us different, actually is something that makes us all the same.

The biggest thing that most women have in common is their perceived lack of time.